Stop Accepting Crumbs!
Phone calls have yet to be returned.
Emails and texts go into the black hole.
A relationship based solely on my initiation of contact.
A friend or lover who never chooses me if there is a better option.
When I walked through life with shame and low self-esteem, these are the dynamics that I experienced in most of my relationships. I felt like I had lots of friends and good relationships with family, and any time the relationship wasn't what I wanted it to be, a familiar pattern surfaced.
Jeez, it has been months since I've heard from Mary. I'm such a lousy friend; I haven't called her. I need to make more effort. I'll call her tomorrow.
I called and left a message.
Mary must be busy because she never called me back. I'll give it a try again. It's probably because I haven't reached out for several months.
There was never any thought about why Mary hadn't called me in months, I always took on the blame, and I always put in more effort than others. This is because, deep down, I felt like I wasn't worthy. That this was the only way I could be in a relationship.
It saddens me to revisit this time in my life because I walked around with a lot of shame and low self-esteem. I was a people pleaser, always directing my energy toward others and abandoning myself.
Fortunately, I stepped on a healing path that helped me lift the shame in my body, and I learned to love myself. I wrote about it in the best-selling collaborative book, "Shaman Heart — Turning Pain Into Passion and Purpose." I wrote Chapter 18, "Exposing the Roots of Body Shame — Carving a Path of Self-Love, Acceptance, and Freedom."
This was a massive shift for me, and I started to see my relationships differently. I began to see how I was always accepting crumbs. I was very intentional about what relationships deserved my love and attention, and I was still seeking more depth.
I want to have deep, intimate relationships, and I can't seem to find that. I guess I will eventually find my people.
As I continued to clean my mirror, it became apparent that I had my people, but I was also giving them crumbs. I needed to GIVE more than crumbs to deepen my relationships. I always lacked good role modeling on how to have healthy, communicative, intimate relationships. That is common with us Gen-Xers.
I have to stop GIVING crumbs! Sigh. I'm in my fifties and still figuring out how to have strong, deep relationships.
I now have new requirements for my relationships:
- It's a two-way street, and we each have to put in the effort to communicate and spend time together.
- We both must be our authentic selves. No people-pleasing allowed!
- Honest conversations that go deeper than the surface.
- This might seem basic, but we must return phone calls, emails, or texts. I don't want to be in a relationship with the black hole.
The more people I talk to about this, the more I realize this is a challenge that many, especially those in Generation X, are experiencing.
I don't know about you, but I don't want to go through life any longer without deep connections.
What are your requirements for healthy, intimate relationships?
Tina Green is the “Self-Love Queen,” and she is the Founder, Owner, and Transformational Coach at Exposing The Roots.
Through her coaching, Toltec Sacred Journey Breathwork, sacred rituals, women’s circles, and retreats, Tina partners with women to increase their self-love. She is especially passionate about women loving their bodies!
Tina believes that when a woman learns to love herself, everything changes, and anything is possible.
Tina is an ordained Minister of the Healing Arts, Toltec Sacred Journey Breathwork Facilitator, #1 Best-Selling Author, trained Life Coach, and Chef.
Tina brings her vital mother energy and lived experience to everyone she serves.
She also has 20 years of experience as an executive in non-profit and financial services.
Tina lives with her husband and two teenage daughters in Northern California. She is a personal transformation enthusiast, life-long student, foodie, outdoor adventurer, music and theatre lover, and traveler.
