Don’t Cancel Yourself
You were born brilliant, vulnerable, trusting, and loving. Your journey through life’s twists and turns and ups and downs has led you to the person you are today.
How do you feel about the person you are today?
Do you love and accept yourself unconditionally?
Do you trust yourself?
Do you have confidence in yourself?
Do you surround yourself with people who support you?
Do you put yourself first?
If the answer is YES to all these, this is a huge celebration! You can be your authentic self and be comfortable in your skin!
If your answer to some of these is no, I invite you to pull that thread.
There is an epidemic of low self-esteem and codependency in our culture, which has us putting ourselves last all the time. Many times, we even abandon ourselves. It is exhausting to live in this way.
I was thinking about the concept of canceling people who we don’t agree with or who don’t hold the same values as us, and it struck me:
When we put ourselves last, don’t speak our truth, hide, or speak/think poorly of ourselves, we cancel ourselves!
We are shutting down our voices and limiting our opportunities. We are removing ourselves from the narrative and showing others we don’t want to be considered.
When we cancel ourselves, we teach others that it’s ok to cancel us, too.
The cancel culture today is flourishing in our polarized political environment. It lacks grace, compassion, and understanding. It hurts and alienates people and destroys lives.
This is what we are turning on ourselves when we cancel ourselves. If we give ourselves grace and compassion and strive to understand the roots of our behaviors, we will stop hurting, alienating, and abandoning ourselves.
I used to cancel myself all the time. My fear of being seen fueled this. I was carrying so much shame, and my self-esteem was low. Anytime an outward-facing opportunity existed, I would shy away from it.
It could be a simple invitation from my friends to get up and dance at a live music event. “No, I’m ok; I don’t want to dance.”
I don’t want people to see my fat body dancing; they’ll laugh at me.
I would relegate my brilliant mind to being behind the scenes and supporting someone else’s agenda or dream. In past careers, I would avoid the many opportunities to be part of growing my organization and achieve the highest level possible — behind the scenes. I was always the one executing someone else’s vision.
It took me a long time to expose the roots of my fear of being seen. Most of it had its roots in dysfunctional behavior in my teenage years, stemming back to my parent’s divorce and the ensuing belief that I did not matter. My low self-esteem showed up heavily in my relationships with boys/men, starting in my teens and continuing into adulthood. I always grasped for crumbs in my relationships and was treated like “I didn’t matter.” I consistently chose men who weren’t available emotionally, and the dynamic I created over and over again reinforced my low self-esteem.
This “I don’t matter” belief was STRONG. It guided my behavior in all my relationships, but deep down in my core, I didn’t believe it. I kept moving forward and stepping into my life, but I had a glass ceiling that lived in me. I would only let myself go so far, and when it came time to be seen, I would step back. The enduring “I don’t matter” voice got really loud.
It was confusing to me. I am smart and capable, so why do I hold back? Why do I have such low self-esteem?
I was aware that I wanted it to change. For decades, I attended workshops and trainings and read self-help books in the hopes that I could improve my self-esteem. I set goals for myself, made commitments to putting my self-care first, and repeated positive affirmations to myself. These things were helpful for sure but not enduring. I couldn’t seem to break through my own internal glass ceiling.
A big one for me was, “If I lose weight, then I will be happy and self-confident, and everything will fall into place.”
I have to get to the root of this. I want self-confidence!
What eventually worked for me was to come out of denial and address some of the painful situations in my childhood.
It turns out I was a master of denial!
When I became aware of how much I minimized the impact of how my parent’s divorce happened. No one told me that my Dad left and moved in with a new family, and I discovered this by accident. How no adult asked me if I was ok in the midst of my family falling apart. When I really looked at the ways I coped and the lasting agreements that I made with myself, I realized that this was the main source of that “I don’t matter” voice. I can now see ways that this belief was reinforced over and over again by the lack of communication in my family.
This awareness was huge, and it rocked me for sure, but this was only the first step. I then had to walk into the pain—the pain that I had stuffed down for decades, the pain that I carried in my body. When I allowed myself to feel and honor the pain by crying the tears I never cried and expressing the anger I never expressed, I was able to release it from my body.
This gave me the space and empowered me to rewrite those agreements. To rewrite my story!
The voice that knew the “I don’t matter” narrative was a lie became my dominant voice, and I was able to challenge my fear of being seen. Each time I challenged it, I gained more freedom.
This resulted in a deeper love for myself and the realization that I could love and accept myself as is. I didn’t need to lose weight to do this. I stopped canceling myself!
Now, I didn’t do this alone. I came in contact with a non-profit, Freedom Folk & Soul, that offers a year-long program called the Toltec Medicine Wheel of Transformation, and I stepped into that program after witnessing others make huge changes in their lives.
This program walks you through the ages and stages of your life to expose the roots of your shame, addictions, codependency, anger, and depression and moves you out of your head and into your body. The powerful, somatic practices such as breathwork, ceremonies, and rituals.
It turns out, this was exactly what I needed. I wouldn’t be able to escape these beliefs with the same brain that got me into them. I needed to get into my body — because the body remembers everything.
I have now spent years training to teach the Toltec Medicine Wheel of Transformation myself, and I am bringing this powerful program to Sonoma, California, this year. It will be starting in August 2024.
If you are at a crossroads in your life, if you have been trying for years to interrupt those patterns that keep repeating themselves over and over, please consider investing in this program. It is profound, and it changes lives. You can find out more information here.
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Tina Green is the “Self-Love Queen,” the author of the best-selling The Life-Changing Power of Self-Love: An Essential Guide, and the Founder of Exposing The Roots. She is a sacred guide who assists people in cultivating self-love and foundational to well-being.
Tina brings her grounded and vital mother energy and lived experience to
everyone she serves. Through coaching and embodied experiences such as
breathwork, ceremony, and ritual, Tina partners with women to create a
foundation of self-love. She empowers women to rewrite their stories and
honor and release old stories or beliefs that no longer serve.
Tina believes that when a person learns to love herself, everything
changes, and anything is possible.
Her transformational offerings for women include private coaching,
breathwork, women’s circles, workshops, retreats, ceremonies, and initiations.
Join Tina’s free “Women’s Self-Love Community” on Facebook for inspiration and access to free self-love events.
Tina wants us to celebrate more! She wants to honor you with More Than Cake and Presents. Tina creates personalized experiences such as coming-of-age ceremonies for teens, rites of passage ceremonies for all stages of life, initiations, weddings, baby blessings, home blessings, milestone birthdays, anniversaries, and celebrations of life.
